Funny Page
Everything on this page has been borrowed from www.brainofbrian.com.
The Truth About Santa Claus
After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
A Merry Christmas to one and all!!
Quotes and Random Stuff
Top 12 Ways to
Get Rid of Telemarketers1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."
Top 14 Fun Things
to do in a Public Bathroom14. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
12. Take in a wineskin filled w/ water. Stand and slowing squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh.
11. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
9. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
8. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
7. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
4. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
3. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
2. After flushing Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
1. Fill a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Top 17 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Roommate17. Smoke ballpoint pens.
16. Smile -- All the time.
15. Always flush the toilet three times.
14. Listen to radio static.
13. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
12. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
11. Whenever you go to sleep, starts jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep...every night for a month.
10. Ask your roommate if he/she has ever looked into the eye's of his/her victim.
9. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
8. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
7. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
6. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
5. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door
4. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
3. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. With an air of disdain, announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
2. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
1. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
Top 10 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Co-Workers10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, "DISK FIGHT!!!" and bop them on the head with a disk.
3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, "Whoa, that looked so real!"
1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.